Live with Regis and Kelly- November 28th, 2003

 Regis: Here he comes, one of the greatest comedic talents of our time, really if you look at his movies, boy, everyone of them through the roof! The latest film "The Cat in the Hat", in the theatres right now. Here he is, the one and only, Mike Myers!

 (Mike enters, audience cheers. He hugs Regis and Kelly, and waves to the audience before sitting down)

 Regis: So hot! So big! So important in the industry! wow!

 Kelly: You don't make any stink bombs do you? Just one hit after another!

 Mike: (Mike smiles) I like coming here!
             (audience laughs)
          You make me feel happy!
              (more laughing)

 Regis: Mike is another one of our great talents, from Canada.
 (loud cheers from audience, Mike claps and cheers as well)

 Regis: What is it about Canadians!?-

 Mike: (points to people in audience) Where are you guys from?

 off-screen: New Brunswick!

 Mike: New Brunswick! Hooray! Yes!

 (audience start yelling cities)
  off-screen: Vancouver!

 Mike: Vancouver!

 off-screen: Wisconsin!

 Mike: Wisconsin!
 (audience laughs)

 Mike: You know what, we'll take it!
 (audience laughs)

 Mike: Wisconsin, Canada!
 (more laughing)

  Regis: What is it about Canadians that they come down here with such talent, sense of humour, you know people can write..they can act..-

  Kelly: -Sing, all of it!

  Mike: I think we are the enemy within.
 (audience laughs)
 I think we look just like you, but we're different.
 (more laughing)
  One day, we'll all get the call, all of us Canadians. (Pretends to be talking into a phone) "It's Go Time!" (holds up hands like a zombie)
 (audience laughs)
  Regis: What was it like for you? Was it very important being being funny as a kid?

  Mike: It was the only thing that was important to my dad, my dad was if you weren't funny you weren't allowed in the house.

  Regis: He was pretty funny himself-

  Mike: Yeah, my dad was from Liverpool, (switches to Liverpool accent) 'he talked like the Beatles, you know, talked like this all the time, great. how are yah?' (normal voice) and uh in Liverpool it's the kind of town that um well it's never been a super rich city, and it's pretty blue collar, so what people do kinda own is their own sense of humour, and one of the greatest experiences I ever had in Liverpool was going out with my brothers and sampling some of the brew products they have in Liverpool.

  Kelly: Really!? What's the drinking age there?

  Mike: The drinking age is "whatever"
 (audience laughs)

 (changes to English accent) "Well you seem like a nice kid"
 (audience laughs)

 (normal voice) And I was about 17, and I was you know 'hmm hmm' (indicates being drunk) but it doesn't matter 'cause it's England, and it happened and you can't arrest me for it! And we all went out and we had a great time, and we took the last bus from Pierrehead and Liverpool out to where my dad's family is and there was like people playing guitar, people telling jokes, people engaged in.. boyfriend/girlfriend activities in a very explicit way, people being sick, one guy was cooking something!

  Regis: Family reunion!
 (laughter)

  Kelly: Did it feel like you found home?

  Mike: Oh yes, well Liverpool is the 'Pool of Life', you know it really is. The air is viscous with humanity, and that's the tradition I grew up in. Very proud of the Beatles, very proud of being British, and very proud of Peter Sellers, and British Comedy and all that stuff-

  Kelly: -And I bet Mike Myers.

  Mike: Uh, no they never really cared for him.
 (audience laughs)
  Actually it's true a little bit.

  Regis: Mike was just on Saturday Night Live, and that's where some of us met him for the first time on Saturday Night Live, and what was it like to go back and do that show again?

  Mike: Oh it was great. It felt like going to your old college for like a big game, but you don't have exams.

  Regis: Nothing to lose!

  Mike: I thought I was being fired every week when I was on Saturday Night Live. I did. I thought I sucked, and they were going to fire me, and this time I went: 'They can't fire me! They can't!'

  Kelly: -I was here for the free food!

  Mike: Yah! I came and I supported Alec, who is hilarious. My feeling with Alec Baldwin is that he is a great actor, and we know that, but I think he's one of the best comedic actors ever, and I think that if he had been in the cast of Saturday Night Live he would have dominated like Eddie Murphy-

  Regis:-He is terrific.

  Mike:-Or Chevy Chase.

  Kelly: Well he seems to be like the cast member that's just not a cast member, cause he hosts so often.

  Mike: Yah Yah, he's hosted 11 times.

  Kelly: Wow that's a lot.

  Mike: And I was there he when he hosted 3 times, and he's the kind of host that you save your good material for, 'cause you know he can just knock it out of the park.

  Regis: Oh sure, absolutely.

  Kelly: He hosted here with me, we co-hosted.

  Mike: (sarcastic) Did he.

  Kelly: When Regis was away.

  Mike: (sarcastic) Really, well.
 (audience laughs)
  I have his home phone number! (waves hands in air, and gives the audience a look of disbelief)

  Regis: Why does it always get back to her Mike!?

  Mike: I know!

  Regis: It always gets back to her!

  Mike: It's a little S-A-D, if you ask me.

  Kelly: (twirling hair, jokingly says) I have his cell phone number!
 (audience laughs)

  Regis: We're going to take a break, but when we get back we have more surprises for yah!
 (audience cheers. As the camera pulls away Mike walks towards the camera, and follows it)

 ****COMMERCIAL****

  Regis: Mike Myers is here! The Cat in the Hat, a big hit! $40 million last weekend, and just cruising high. The 4th #1 hit you've had in a row!

  Mike: Yes.
 (audience applauds)

  Mike: Yay!

  Regis: And then we have Shrek 2 coming out.

  Mike: Yes, I have Shrek 2 coming out and I actually might do a production of 'Cat on a hot tin roof'
 (audience laughs)

  Mike: Which is huge! It's so great!
 (audience cheering)

  Mike: I might do 'Cat on a hot tin roof-in the hat!', is what I might actually do.
 (audience cheering)

  Kelly: That's a great idea!

  Mike: (to Regis) I kid, why? Comma, because I love, exclamation mark. (tilts head to the side, and gives Regis a loving look)

  Regis: Awww, that's nice. And when you were a little boy-

  Mike: -I was never a little boy.
(laughter)

  Regis: Did anybody ever read the Cat story-

  Mike: It was the first book that was ever read to me, and the first book I ever read myself.

  Regis: So that's something, really?

  Mike: Yeeach.
 (audience laughs)
  And the next thing was the cat on a hot tin roof.
 (audience laughs)

  Kelly: Which is different!

  Mike: Slightly different. Longer, and all that stuff.

  Regis: Now is your famous mother-in-law here?

  Mike: My famous mother-in-law is here, she's over there. (he points and waves)
 (audience cheers and applauds, Linda smiles and waves back to Mike)

  Regis: Hi Linda! How you doing?

  Kelly: You immortalized her!

  Mike: Or I murderlized her

  Regis: (to Linda) You must be very proud of your son-in-law.

  Linda: Not necessarily.
 (audience laughs)

  Regis: What is the one thing about Mike Myers that you know, and we don't?

  Mike: Make it good.

  Linda: He has the kindest heart of anyone I've ever met.

 (audience awes)
 (Mike shifts in his chair, and looks a bit choked up)

  Kelly: Now did you marry your wife in large part because of your mother-in-law?

  Mike: Uh, pretty much yes. I came from a Englishy, waspy family in Canada, and the first time I met Linda she went (imitates Linda) "Look at him! He looks like Opy! He's got the map of Ireland! Ya hungry? Why don't you fix yourself a bowl of scotch. I know you people."
 (audience laughs)

  Regis: No really, that's his version. (to Linda) What were your thoughts the first time you met him when she brought him home?

  Linda: I thought I would drop dead. He was unemployed, he wasn't Jewish, and he was an actor. (disgusted look)
 (audience laughs)

  Regis: Oh my god. Three strikes you're out pal!

  Mike: Yah.

  Regis: Linda, it's nice seeing you, thanks so much for coming by our show today.
 (audience cheers, mike waves to her)

  Regis: What a sweetheart huh?

  Mike: Yah she's great.

  Regis: In the days you use to do her as a regular segment on SNL, she must have been the queen of New York right?

  Mike: It was great. But I did love when she'd go (changes to Linda's voice) "I don't talk like that! No one does!"
 (audience laughs)

  Regis: Now, the Cat on a- in the hat..
 (audience explodes with laughter)
 (Mike stokes his arm, and hand)

  Regis: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
 (laughter continues)
  Now do you think the cat should be from Liverpool or New York or what were your thoughts on the cat?

  Mike: Well 'cause my mom is an actress and she used to read the Cat in the Hat to me, and Babar, and 'cause she's from Britain, all those characters had British accents, so you know he (changes to English accent) 'talked like this, you know, I'm an elephant, what about it man?'
 (audience laughs)
  (changes to Liverpool accent) And the Cat in the Hat was from Liverpool, so you know, great. love it. (normal voice) So I thought about that, but then I thought the only person that had came into my house, turned it upside down and I was happy for, was Linda, my mother-in-law who's from Queens, and the other person was Bruce Paltrow, Gweneth Paltrow's father, who I got to know the last couple years of his life, and who sadly passed away on the first week of shooting. But he came into our house and goes (imitates him) "I don't like how you've done it, going to be drafty, that's crappy, change that, paint that" (normal voice) And at the end of it, you know our house was better for it. The only thing is that when Linda does that, our fridge is full of really good food.
 (audience laughs)

  Mike: Which is great.

  Regis: Well, let's take a look at "the Cat" in case you haven't seen it.

  Mike: Ok! Ok!

  Regis: Let's see Mike Myers in action!
(laughter)

  Regis: The Cat in the Hat!-

  Mike: -On a hot tin roof.
 (audience laughs)

 (shows clip)

 (audience cheers)

  Regis: Another hit for Mike Myers! In the theatres this weekend. I'm sure it's going to be another big weekend for you. Mike thanks so much for being here.


 Mike: Thank you, Thank you. (Shakes Regis, and Kelly's hand)
 (audience cheers)
 (Mike waves)